Game. A little four letter word that means a lot and has lots of meanings. Game means: 1, A form of play or sport. 2, A period of play ending in a final result. 3, Wild mammals or birds hunted for food. 4, Eager and willing… Those are the dictionary meanings of the word “game”. But the trickery-filled predator-like species that we men are (& that’s not a compliment), we combine all these four meanings as one, to create our own meaning of “game”, and then give props to the best ladies-man, telling him “he got game.” He got game coz to him the ladies were a form of play or sport, where he enjoyed his period of play that ended in a final result. The ladies were eager and willing but not realising that they were wild mammals hunted for “food”. That’s the game. This guy is called a player. And I wanted to be him. How pathetic… I know!
I’ve deviated from the teachings I grew up with on what love is and how to love. I’ve transformed my way of thinking so much so that I’ve become a believer in the non-existence of love. I don’t believe there is such a thing as love; I believe in tolerating someone enough to put up with their nonsense, their presence and their show of affection. I mean love is forever, right? Then how come almost all relationships between two people in love don’t last forever? I believe they just stop tolerating one another. I have also been hiding the love and affection I’ve been feeling for another and even had the audacity to tell her that “I tolerate her.” Not realizing that’s the biggest insult I could give to such a beautiful soul she truly is. so beautiful that I’ve never seen a day pass without that illuminating smile planted on her visage. A day hardly passes without her infectious laughter echoing in my ears as she laughs at my “not-so-funny” jokes, out of politeness. Now all that is fading as I’m slowly driving her away from me.
(I will not name the lady I’m talking about.)
Telling someone you like or love them is fairly simple when playing the game. But it gets difficult finding the right words when it truly comes from the heart. When I finally ejected these dumb ideas about love from my head and admitted to her that I as in love with her, my words came with unnecessary excess baggage – biggest mistake of my life. She’s such a friendly soul that she befriended this guy I know and shared a tight friendship. So tight that my jealousy discouraged me from loving her anymore than I already did; my jealousy even assisted my mind in making assumptions that she was in love with this guy. Like an asshole I began treating her like she didn’t exist, avoiding her like the plague. Seeing hat this was doing to her, I pretended not to give a sh*t. Until she finally had enough and asked why was I ignoring her. There was nowhere to run; I had to answer – honestly and truthfully.
Like a true coward I told her about my feelings via facebook. I told her of the lie I’ve been living the past few weeks as I’ve been trying to avoid the one one person whose presence to me is as valuable as gold. I told her I was in love with her, and I was avoiding her because I was afraid my love was one-sided and she shared the same feelings for someone else. My biggest fear was (& still is) being rejected by she who matters most. I told her I’m gonna have to learn to “unlove” her in the romantic sense and only like her as a friend. Before she could give me any sort of reply, I declared there was nothing further to discuss… How did I turn into this guy?
I’ve come to confuse myself. Am I plying the game? Coz surely my mistreats and back-handed insults can’t be my show of affection and love to her. I tried taking her as a form of play or sport, where my period of play ended in a terrible final result. She was eager and willing, but I turned out to be the wild mammal hunted for food. Now I think I’ve lost her. And the part that hurts the most is that I’m not even heartbroken, coz with the way I’ve been treating her, I realise that I never had a heart to begin with…
‘Till Next Time Peeps, STAY GOODEST!